Reflection…self check

Being a social work major makes you do a lot of self-reflection, soul search and self evaluations. I have learned so much about myself over these last 3 years of school, and I’ve learned my strengths and my weakness. I wouldn’t say I’ve had an issue with race, ethnicity and gender not that I can recall, but I have learned that you can’t judge a book by its cover. Just recently a girl approached me in school trying to make conversation with me, then goes on to tell me that she was a stripper. Now in my mind I am like I am not going to be friends with a nasty stripper, it just would not be a good look for me. I also found out that she was from the same area up north I was from and she would be returning there soon to visit.
Let me tell you she was a very sweet person, nothing about her was nasty. She went up north and when she came back to class she bought me back a gift from my favorite store up there, then in fact she was as smart as she could be, she had to help me out with my work some of the time.
I felt bad because I prejudged her, and indeed she was an awesome person. I later found out that she was visiting back up north for a job interview at the post office in which she did receive. Its was sad because she was very bright and would have passed the class no problem but she took the job because she did want better for herself and kids, so she made a choice she made a sacrifice. It was I who made a friend and will remain in touch with her.

Surprise…surprise…surprise

I must say that the tell of Desiree’s Baby caught me by surprise, I really wasn’t expecting it to end like that. Mrs. Vance tried to tell us but I guess we had to read and find out on our own. The author Kate Chopins, has us on the edge of our seats, drawing us into the story with little details that lead to another detail. From the wording to the descriptions, it very much draws you into this story. We came to find out at the end of the story that it wasn’t Desirre that was white, and it was her husband who had the mixed parents. I think the climax of this story for me was when Desirre looked at the La’Blanche boy holding the fan and looked at her son and noticed the resemblance. But even before then u were wondering where was the author going with all the little details in the beginning like the mother looking at the baby funny or how neighbors from far were popping up unexpectedly. Then she works up the nerve to ask her husband ” What does this mean”? She wanted to know what was next and at that moment as readers we wanted to know as well.
I was really surprised by the end of the story, but I feel that it ended the only way that it could have. Sure we didn’t want Desirre to die, let alone kill the baby who was the most innocent of all. I believe that this story brought about awareness to racism and it also forced you to question your on views of the subject matter. I just feel it’s always a shame that innocent blood had to be shed before one opens their eyes.

Tolstoy views on Marriage…Really!!!

One of the many reasons why I like “The Death of Ivan Ilyich” is that the charters remind you of people you know right now today, maybe even yourself. I don’t think that Tolstoy views of women and marriage are any different from most of the men today, and he very much showed it through the character of Ivan. Just like a man he was attracted to Praskovya Fedorovna for her good looks. Just like all men who want to have the prettiest girl around town, she was that for him. He didn’t marry her out of love but for her connections, because she came from a good family and it was considered the right thing to do by the people around him. Being married to her made him look good and once reality started kicking it was not pleasing to him anymore. Ivan’s only benefit for being married was the sex, while he still carried on numerous affairs with other people who him and his society deemed ok.

To me the views presented in this story about marriage, is that it is just a way of life, it just is. It’s what society expects you to do so why not. We all are raised to think that we are supposed to grow up, get married and have kids. We are taught that the man is the bread-winner and sets order in the house hold. Tolstoy showed us just that, while painting a of picture of reality that married is not always as happy as it appears on the outside. Yes he took care of his family and was the financial back bone, but also at the same time he neglected home and carried on numerous affairs.

I’ve changed… I promise……

It’s funny how we don’t reflect on the person that we are or the things we have done until something happens to us which makes us want to change things about ourselves. I am thinking now at the age of 32 that, that’s just life. We live and we learn, but the question is a what cost do we learn this valuable lesson, and that’s what we see in the story “The Death of Ivan Ilyich”. It was until Ivan came to reality of dying that he started to reflect on his life. Up until his death he thought that he had lived a rather acceptable life and everyone around him was wrong except but himself. I know I was bout up with the saying “Birds of a feather flock together”. Once Ivan started to realized that he was just as bad as the people he ran with then it started to dawn on him was that the only time he lived an honest life was when he was a child.

In the end he realized that he was living to please others and not himself, he was what his surroundings called for him to be. I know that I am guilty of doing this, being what my surroundings called for me to be sometimes even when I know it’s out of charter for me. I think we all are guilty of something we can connect with from this story. But what is too little too late? I think the story couldn’t have ended any other way, that if he had gotten better he would have continued with his ways. I think that it did take for the time right up until death for Ivan to come to terms with who he was a person and to be able to look outside of hisself and realize how his actions and decisions was hurting other, It took him seeing the face of his son to make him realize what he must do because not only was he suffering but the people he cared about around him was suffering too. When he came o terms with that then he was able to let go. So I don’t think it was too late, I believe only God can judge that and at the end he, like the rest of us will find that out for oursleves…..we too will see the light.

Ghost..What Ghost…Where!!!!

So I didn’t grow up with the kind of family and friends that just sit around telling ghosts stories. However, it does sound interesting. I mean you do catch one every now and again, or see it on TV, but is it at all any truths to it. I remember hearing the bloody mary tells, but ummm who really is going to try it. My son was telling me a ghost story about a lady jumping off a bridge with her baby and if you go to the bridge and call her name three times you will hear the baby crying. The story is sad but who is the world is going to try it definitely not me.

So while I’ve never really sat around and told ghost stories, something happened to me that tottally freaked me out. I was laying downstairs on the couch and must have fallen asleep. I swear I didn’t know if I was dreaming or not, but I heard something upsatirs walking around, and mind u nobody was home but me. Suddenly I heard foot steps coming down the stairs and I was so scared I didn’t know what to do. I layed their, my body became all stiff thats how scared I was. The footsteps came closer and walked around the couch and I shut my eyes tight hoping that it would all go aways, I felt something walk over to me and stand in front of me. Just when I gained enough courage to open my eyes, there it was a shawdow figure standing over me. Then the weridiest thing happened it seems to evaperate and went inside of me. I was so scared I got up and called my pasters wife so we could pray. Till this day I really don’t know if I was asleep or awake. After all I did get up and call someone after it happened.

My Mortality lies in my Happiness

I used to be young and reckless. I didnt care what I did or said to people, whether I had friends or not or about other peoples feelings. I didn’t care about saving money only spending it and looking good and having a good time. Nothing mattered to me but me, all lead me down the wrong paths with the wrong people. I mean you hear about thing but never stop to pay it any attention until it happens to you. So when I was little people would tell my mom “Mrs…soso daughter is pregenat”. Never thought that it would happen to me and it did, at the age of 15 I was a mother.  You know how you pay no attention to commercials about people being sick with cancer or whatever or when someone you knew dies from a dieses you never think of being diagnosed with something yourself, then it happened at age 22 diagnosed with cancer. Now what was I supposed to do with that information, I had just started going to the clubs and hanging out and drinking, you mean to tell me that I am different.

But not different at all, but special because I got a chance to learn how to love somebody, to care. I got a chance to start to valuse life and the people around me. To really live, so I count everyday as a blessing and I smiles always

Do Better Then….

To me the difference in the poems of innocence and experience is in the beginning as a child is born care free and happy. A child is free from problems and worries, they just want to laugh, play and be loved. When these poems start off the kids are happy, they sing, dance and want to play till the sun goes down. Just as with the poem of the lamb it gave reference to it being as innocent as a child, its states “He is meek & he is mild, He became a little child’.

I was always taught, when  you know better you will do better. In the poems of experience that’s when Williams Blake starts to point out that the innocent world we knew as a child is really not that innocent. In fact it is a mean, cruel world. I believe once we find out about things, life, reality then that’s when we are no longer innocent. We as humans tend to do what we think is best for us despite who we have to go up against to prove our point or get what we want. So the inoccence we expereice as a child goes away once the reality of the world kicks in.

In The End… Does it Even Matter….

I read ” I died for Beauty-but was Scarce” by Emily Dickinson. This womans words are amazing and the way she evokes your deepest thought are breath-taking. This poem got me to questioning my existence, my purpose in life and in this world. In the end does it really even matter how we died, why we died the point is we all just die. Death is something we don’t think about but we know that it is coming. It says ” I died for Beauty-but was Scarce”, so I looked up scarce and it means barely or insufficient. So my question would be are we barely existing? In the end how will people and what will people remember us by? Or will moss cover up our names and as people go own with there lives. They wont remember how we dressed or wore our hair, or will they? So what I go from this poem was live, laugh, love because tomorrow is not promised. Live for the moment because tomorrow is not promised. Find away for people to remember you besides your name, even if its your smile. Do good deeds, find away to be sufficient instead of insufficient.

Countess….The End

From the beginning to the end I did not like the Countess as a character, so the end did not shock me. She was mean and stubborn in the beginning of the story and remained mean and stubborn even in death.  I have to admit this story had me at the edge of my seat because I wanted to know what was Herman’s next move going to be. Finding out the secret to the cards drove him crazy even before he was pronounced crazy. The man was loosing sleep, pacing by the house and plotting, so he sounds crazy enough to me. This story to me as far as the Romanticism period goes embraces Intuition, imagination along with Innocence. Throughout the card playing, drinking and twist and turns of the story Lizaveta Ivanovna’s character to me remained innocent. Lizaveta knew nothing, did as she was told, she had no friends and in the end believed that Herman was really falling for her. Intuition comes into play when Herman has to decide whether to stay true to his belief or give into the idea that there is this secret that will earn him the winnings to double his capital. Imagination comes into the story when Herman believes that the Countess ghost has come to him revealing the secret and then floating off, even then after he has lost his hand in cards he believes that the card is the Countess winking at him. Can you say this man is nuts. This was truly a great read.

Countess… Countess… You Mean Old Countess

In my opinion the Countess charter was all over the place from beginning to the end of the story. At first the Countess comes off as irresponsible the ways she was careless on blowing her money, then after the ways she talked to her husband and totally disregarded what he said, she been to come off as a nag. Her character had me confused when she ran tom another man and told him basically how useless her husband was and mad him look bad, so I would say she was being really messy. Although she did get the secret to get her out of debt and she learned her lesson, one would think that she would be a happy person but no as the story went on she became mean and bitter to me. She was always demanding of her help, I almost thought that she was jealous of  Lizaveta Ivanovna and didn’t take to noticing her at all. But at the end she did shock me as the story ended with a twist, giving old Herman what he deserved and surprisingly looking out for Lizaveta in the end. Risk taking today adds for lessons learned tomorrow. All is well that ends well.